Toward Connection
Neale Davis, M.A. and Sam Williams, Ph.D.
I (Neale) remember one winter day when I was a campus minister, sitting in my office working, when a pervasive feeling of being alone crept into my mind. I had many friends and enjoyed my job. I worked with a team of peers that I liked, I had a healthy marriage, and I was plugged into a good church. I had what you think would prevent loneliness. But it didn’t, and I wanted it to change.
That day I realized the devastating effects that isolation can bring into a man’s life. For a man to be disconnected from others, especially other men, can be dangerous. Like radon gas in a house, we can live with it but without any awareness of it. And, when we do become aware of its effects, it can seem too late.
Over the years as we have counseled we notice time and again that men who isolate themselves have struggles that often culminate in calamities. We must guard ourselves against loneliness and isolation.
The reality is that most men know a lot of other men, but very few of them connect on a significant level. The painful signal of loneliness is a fork in the road. One direction heads toward (often uncomfortable) growth where, life and health is found. The other road leads to emptiness and fleeting fulfillment wherein growth is stunted.
Our natural tendency is to anesthetize pain when we feel it. Most men are very talented in this. The life-giving alternative is to feel and acknowledge the pain of loneliness, ask the Lord where it comes from and what we can learn from this red-light-on-the-dashboard pain. In other words, what does the pain of loneliness say about what is going on in my heart and in my life? Pain has meaning and can drive us back to the source of life. We are irrevocably relational beings and our relational God wants to draw us back to himself and key people that help us navigate life and flourish again.
What happens when men isolate themselves? Though not exhaustive, we see three ways that isolation impairs men.
1. It keeps him from the counsel of others.
Proverbs says 27:9 says, “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.” We need people around us to help us choose well in life. It is those very relationships that provide essential wisdom for our decisions. I have a friend who once counseled me to not buy a car I was looking at, but I chose not to heed his counsel and bought it anyway. That car turned out to be the bane of my existence. When we counsel men we must help them understand the value of listening to others.
2. It dulls our sense of conviction.
Rationalization is much easier when we are alone and keep our thoughts to ourselves. The dulling effect of loneliness can take a man to a point where he refuses to listen or involve others. The Proverbs describe how fools reject wisdom and eventually pay the price. Not having people around us who know us and, who share our convictions, can lead to this type of foolishness. The Proverbs also tell us that by listening to wisdom we can “be at ease.”
3. It deceives us into settling for less than God has for us.
Satan’s temptation of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden wasn’t an outright lie. It was worse. It was a half-truth. Men buy into those when they say, “What is the harm in a little look?” or “a little fudging on my taxes is no big deal.” For me (Neale), it comes in the form of an unhealthy discontent with what God has provided for me (forgetting that this is so much more than I deserve). Yet, if I don’t watch myself I begin daydreaming about how to spend the lottery money. Sometimes I’m very “noble” as I think that I could help ministries by giving them part of the money, but the primary themes of my dream are several houses, endless vacations and not working. The bottom line is that unless we are surrounded by guys who challenge our thinking and point us to Christ then we are much more likely to wander down the seemingly harmless road of sinful dreams.
Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Our dream is to sharpen men by challenging them to detect the early warning signs of isolation and to fight against it by boldly reconnecting with God and others. Authenticity, a deeply textured life with an honest heart open to God and neighbor, develops in the context of community, a web of vibrant connections with God and His people.
