thoughts on a marriage

Communication:

One of the most effective things I’ve heard in how to maintain communication in a healthy marriage has been the encouragement to think theologically.  This is the best launching point to live and grow in the most important relationship outside of Christ.

What does that mean?

Thinking theologically in marriage is simply running your marriage through the prism and wisdom of Scripture.  In the Bible we see all kinds of admonitions and steps we can take to live wisely, but thinking theologically is more than that.  It involves understanding how the gospel applies to how we live life together.  It’s not just the dance steps, it’s also the music.  Dance steps don’t make sense unless you hear the music.

Often people approach marriage like a contract.  Each person negotiates for what they expect, want and are willing to do in their marriage.  Most of the time this isn’t a cognitive exercise, but it is usually driven by a very self-centered motivation, even if it isn’t blatant.  We’ve all heard of people who see marriage as a 50/50 proposition where each person is responsible for a certain portion of the marriage, but this never works in a healthy relationship.  For one thing, how do you know if you have performed and done your part?  Where exactly is 50%.  More importantly, how does this reflect biblical marriage?  In reality a 50/50 proposition is impossible to measure and there is always someone who feels “cheated” and so contract re-negotiations must happen.  

We all know intuitively that a contractual marriage is no way to live in a healthy relationship.  Plus, it’s not scriptural.  Ephesians 5 is crystal clear how we are called to see marriage, in light of being men of God. Marriages that thrive are covenantal and carry no stipulations on the other person.  And what a relief that is.  No keeping score, no negotiations, no crying “foul” when things seem unbalanced.  Instead, a covenant marriage is a promise to be devoted to the other person regardless of circumstances or unexpected impingements.  Ultimately it involves capitulation to the King of Kings in order to model the same type of love and commitment he displays in Ephesians 5.  We are to love our wives like Christ loves the church.  That means we lay down our rights in order to point our brides to Christ and prepare them for their very personal encounter with him in eternity.  That means when you say “I do” you lay all of your rights at the alter.  You made a promise to care for her and take care of her, with no expectations in return.  Good, bad or indifferent you are called to provide her with the greatest sense of security on this side of heaven.  Just like Jesus did for you.

How does this relate to communication?  It is the forerunner of good communication.  As you love Christ and love your mate the way he loves you, the guard of self-protection is removed and the communication channels are cleared for authenticity, honesty, and safety.  

The irony of this type of marriage is that as we give of ourselves unselfishly then we can anticipate the same type of love in return.  Usually.  But the reality is that both you and your spouse are still sinners who naturally seek your own needs, and sometimes this will get in the way.  Loving the way we are called to love is counter-intuitive and a real challenge.  You and your spouse will make mistakes along the way, but you are called to love her nonetheless.  As you work to provide this type of environment your spouse’s level of trust in you and willingness to talk will be much greater than it would otherwise.  

The following points are intended to help you make tangible efforts toward your spouse and your communication.

1. Walk intimately with God.  That means we need to live in light of the music of the gospel first, and then experience the dance steps of the Christian life as an overflow.
2. Think theologically about your marriage.  This is simply recognizing that you are depraved and you must understand that you bring dysfunction to the marriage.  But it also means growing in the grace that God extends to you and confessing your sin appropriately.  Don’t worry about changing your spouse, but make sure you are living the Spirit-filled life first.
3. Surround yourself with people who have the freedom to call you out when they see unhealthy things.  Never isolate yourself under any circumstances.
4. Watch your workload.  Let your spouse speak honestly about how it’s affecting her.
5. Speak to her in the way she feels loved, not in ways that make you feel loved.  
6. Seek to understand before being understood.
7. Read and deeply ponder the ramifications of Ephesians description of how a husband should love his spouse.
8. Listen to your spouse.  Really listen.
9. Apologize authentically when you need to apologize.  That means saying you’re sorry and asking for forgiveness with no excuses or “buts.”  That is, “I’m sorry I offended you.  Will you forgive me?”  Not, “I’m sorry you were offended, but….”  

Authentic, growing and healthy marriages are a lot of work and there’s no getting around that fact.  Relationships are messy and a big part of the reason is the sin so deeply imbedded in our hearts.  We tend to worship the wrong thing.  But when our affection is placed on Christ, where it deserves to be affixed, then we can see more clearly how to love our spouses.  However, all the work it takes is surely worth it.  You will never regret the good decisions you make, but you will most likely regret the bad ones for the rest of your life.  

ravi zacharias responds to a muslim student

Color in a Colorless World: Why I Love Scripture

The world is interesting.  It is full of the fearsome, the beautiful, the fantastic, the astounding, the heart-warming, the mind blowing, and the awe inspiring.  I recall every campfire I have ever sat by looking into the endless sky admiring and philosophizing.  That's what is common about campfires.  Everyone ponders and wonders about the infinite.  But those given to finitude struggle with understanding and embracing eternity and, in the brokenness of the world with limited vision, we see a world that is also full of the sad, the conflicted, the sufferers, the unjust, the marred, the ugliness and underside of the worst part of humanity.  But none of this happens in a vacuum. There is rhyme and reason for such a conflicting world.  There is an objective source for such understanding.  There must be because without it we're left to pontificating and subjective and helpless drowning in a pool of our own foolishness.

So, I love Scripture.  It provides a unique but extraordinarily wonderful view into the nature of man under the umbrella of the nature of God.  The Scriptures are like a lake.  Shallow enough that most anyone can wade around the edges and enjoy it's refreshment.  But one can also swim out to the middle and never touch bottom.  It's an amazing book.  It provides perspective, reality and hope in the midst of predictable chaos.  It helps remove the confusion and provides a filter to run our experience through.  It points in the direction of infinitude and shows the most interesting fingerprints ever left on scene in the history of man.  Some see these fingerprints and see nothing, so they look away. Others see them and explore further.  Still others recognize that these fingerprints not only exist, but they belong to Someone.  

I love Scripture.  I never read it because it answers all of my questions.  I read it because it is ethereal and yet, very tangible.  I read it because it moves my attention from me and my surroundings and points it upward and outward.  It gets me outside of the most miserable place to dwell....my own selfish world, where most of my problems as a sinner originate.  I read it because it's relevant and life changing.  I read it because it's eternal and true.  I read it because it points me to the only true and living God where my suffering is addressed.  I read it because it's coherent, cohesive and rings with extraordinary veracity.

Scripture speaks.  It points to the living Word, Jesus.  The Word is God (John 1:1).  It's not platitudes.  It is truth beyond what I can grasp, but it's clear enough that I can apply it and embrace it.  Before I became a follower of Christ I might read small portions of Scripture, but would never understand it.  It was like picking up a book in German and trying to make sense of it.  I don't speak German so I never stick with books written in German.  But when I surrendered my life to Christ and His Spirit began to dwell in me the word of God got lift. And the more I have ensconced myself in Scripture, the more I internalize it in my life, and the more I grow to love it.

This is all why I am a Biblical Counselor.  Not because I am a fundamentalistic "my way or the highway" type, but because it only makes sense that the Creator of man would be the best to understand him.  We are made in His image.  It makes sense that the wisdom of Scripture, the eternal word of God, the flawless nature of God's speech, would be the best way to understand our struggle and our remarkable need.  Some might label biblical counseling as simplistic, but it is far from that.  True, it is simple, but no, it is not simplistic.  The older I get the more incredible I see the Scripture and how utterly reliable it is in approaching those who suffer and those who sin.  Does this mean that I am opposed to all but biblical counseling.  No.  I am not.  I believe in being clinically informed, but gospel centered.  Everything that is helpful must ultimately point to Christ.  The source of all wisdom.  The source of all life.  The Living Water.  The Redeemer.  

I love Scripture.  I love the hope it provides and the perspective it brings.  The healing it provides.  The light it shines.  The love it shows.  The justice it promises.  The mercy and forgiveness it carries.  The Person it points to.  The relationship it promises.  

Scripture adds color to a colorless world.  The world is interesting.  The Scriptures provide texture to it.

"I really can see you!"

I have to tell you about an experience I had yesterday as I was running on a trail.  It was a great run and the first one in a long time that felt effortless.  But as I made my turnaround and headed back to my truck I was praying and thanking God for all he is and what he is doing in our lives and family.  I recall just saying to him, "I would love to be able to just see you."  And clearly, but not in audible words, I heard him say, "you can see me."  As I heard these words I looked at the trees and then up to the sky admiring the beauty of the clouds and sun and the sounds of the forest.  I replied, "yea, I can see you!  I can!"  That amazing thrill lasted about a second at most before I said to him, "no, I mean face to face.  I wish i could just see you right here in front of me."  Almost instantly I sensed his reply.  "You couldn't handle it."  I was a little shocked until I remembered that even Moses could only see the back of God as he passed him (showing only his back was an act of mercy on God's part).  And even that limited view lit him up so much that he had to wear a veil so as not to freak out the israelites once he got back down.  Then it dawned on me that he is so holy that he doesn't show himself to us in such uanabashed fashion.  In fact, this is him showing us kindness.  If we were to see him face to face now it would likely stop our hearts instantly or leave us in the fetal position experiencing the biggest anxiety attack in history.  That's true of us, as his friends.  Imagine what it would be like if we were his enemies.  The scene from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" might be helpful to give us a glimpse.  There, if you recall, the Spirit of God moves through the nazis before melting their faces and completely eradicating their very physical presence.  

But enough imagery.  My point is that it is awesome that we can see God though in a veiled way. Even more awesome is that the book of Revelation is clear that when we arrive in glory we will be complete, and although I have no idea what it will be like to approach him then, I do know that we will live with and reign with him.  The very glory that would likely kill us now because of God's sheer beauty and holiness will then be the light by which we live.  In the meantime, the book of Hebrews encourages God's friends to approach his throne boldly in our time of need.  Although I feel like I am always in need, I find this encouragement amazing.  Absolutely amazing.  He, a perfectly frightening holy God, invites me, a perfectly frightful sinful child, into his lap.  

Though we can't always make sense of what he is doing, we can make sense of his kindness and mercy to us.  Even though I don't understand everything I read about in his word or what is happening in the world, I do know he is good and merciful.  And as his child I don't have to be afraid of his justice.  Jesus is the Lord of the Sabboth and that means to us that we can experience rest only in him.  We can personally know "shalom."  That is, rest on all borders.  

I don't often hear from the Lord like I did yesterday, but I've noticed that as I draw near to him, he seems to draw near to me in tender and intimate ways.  I love that and am praying that you experience that as well.  Hebrews 10:22.